Dear people, I don't mean to sound slutty, but pleases use me whenever you want. Love, Grammar

Hey guys, I know it's been a while, but I'm back and I have a great blog for you today!

So, as most of you know I'm currently in search of a place to live. I have decided that now is the best time for me to move out, and be on my own in this great big world. Why? Because I know that I have a lot of life lessons to learn about living on my own, and I'd prefer to learn them when I still have my parents around to help me through them. I mean, these lessons won't EVER be easy to get through, but being able to talk to people I trust, that have already gone through them, will definitely make it easier than it would be if I was facing it alone.

Anyways, why the title if this is all about my search for freedom, right?

Well here we go. 

Last night I was browsing through places, and came across a complex that had very reasonable prices. I decided to send their leasing department an email and inquire about what they may have available in Mid-August. I was pleased with their quick reply until I actually read the email. Let me note right now: This email is exactly how I received it, except for the red color change in areas that they could have been better.

leasing.summerridge	5:31 PM (16 hours ago)
to me

Our 2 bedrooms start out at 500 and go to 650 r 1 bedroom start out at 450 and go to 550 right now we have 2 bedroom available they range 550 625 at the present time. Come fill out an application bring 30 days proof of income and a current photo i_d on both of you you can pick up the application at 322 west 65th number 1 the leasing office there is a red n white sign in front at summer ridge

Now, as you can see, this email has no sentence structure whatsoever. There is one period, and one capital.. makes me wonder if two people didn't work on the same message. Now, onto the 'text lingo' or abbreviations. Seriously? How much longer does it take to type "are" instead of "r," or type out "and" instead of using "n." This just screams unprofessional! 

What's the big problem? Well the biggest problem here is that they are in contact with a potential client (me) and their choice of words, and lack of sentence structure make them seem uneducated. They also seem unprofessional, and the last person I would want handling my hard-earned money (my rent) would be uneducated, unprofessional people. Just saying. 

So my question is:

Seriously? What is the world coming to?

"Our 2 bedrooms start out at $550 and go to $650. Our 1 bedrooms start out at $450 and go to $550. Right now we have 2 bedrooms available, and they range from $550 to $625. You can come fill out an application. If you do please bring 30 days proof of income and a current photo ID. Because both residents are over 18 years of age, you would both need to fill out an application, these can be picked up at 322 W. 65th St. Number 1, in the leasing office. There is a red and white sign in front, that says Summer Ridge."

There's my 'semi-professional' rendition. I'd be more likely to respond to that email, than the one they sent. 

Thanks for reading my rant! Haha. 

Talk to you soon!

-Auni

Better Life -- Conditions

Hey everybody!! (:

So as most of you know, yesterday was my birthday! And I'm officially no longer a teenager.  With this new chapter in my life, I'm hoping will come a new wisdom as well.  And I think that new wisdom showed a glimpse of itself tonight.

I was getting ready to go hang out with some friends (which I did NOT finish, just to type this).  I was playing music on my phone and a song by Conditions came on.  It's called "Better Life" (thanks to a friend of mine who introduced me to this song).

The line in the song that shows the main message says:
"I know most of the time, it's hard to keep in mind... with lessons learned comes better life, better life."

And I truly believe it's true, because I'm starting to learn who truly cares about me and who doesn't! And in figuring this out, I can drop those who don't and give more to the friendships of those who do. Sometimes I feel like I give so much to anyone and everyone, and never get anything in return. It's kind of depressing really.

So with this lesson learned, comes a new Auni.

I may not flat out confront you, and you know who you are.  But there will be a difference in how close we are. 

Just sayinn. <3  

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that does not serve you, grow you, or make you happy."

This is a lesson that I really need to learn for myself.  And that I have started to learn over the past couple of weeks.

As most of you know I was adopted. When I was 5 weeks old my grandmother (I'll call her Mom) showed up at my biological mom's (I'll call her Tammy) house.  She found me, screaming in a dirty bassinet. Tammy was lying in her bed screaming back at me.  My mom asked Tammy about a trash bag that was lying on the front porch.  "Why didn't Shawn take the trash out?"  It wasn't trash though. "That's not trash.. It's puppies." That was Tammy's response.  Her boyfriend, who didn't want me, didn't want the puppies HIS dog had given birth to, so he put them in a garbage bag and tied it shut.  He didn't even give them a second thought, HE DIDN'T CARE!

My mom took me that day, brought me to a safe environment.  She went back to Tammy's house a few days later to get more of my clothes.  Tammy, her boyfriend, and a couple friends were getting ready to go to the mall.  Tammy looked straight at my mom and said, "You're not bringing her back are you?" 

When Tammy and her boyfriend found out that they could no longer get as much financial aid from the state without me, they tried to get me back.  My mom was NOT going to let me go back to the hell hole they were living in.  Tammy and her boyfriend's sister showed up at my mom's house, screaming at and threatening to harm my mom.  But she didn't back down! She got a lawyer involved, and got custody of me.

To this day, Tammy still refuses to tell me why she didn't want me.  All she says is, "I don't know." She said once that she didn't have the money, but that can't be true.  She got income from the state, WIC, and other financial aid.  She constantly lies about it.  She tries to say that it wasn't because she didn't want me, but the statement made that day my mom went to get some of my clothes proves it was.

Onto my realization though:

After Tammy moved back in my freshman year of high school, I became depressed and perpetually angry.  And I realize now, it's because I have all sorts of pent up anger about what she did to me.  But now I know, I can't live like that.

I started  going to church again, and I've come to know that God put me on this path to prosper me, not hurt me.  I know that if I hadn't been found that day, I would NOT be the woman that I am today, and honestly, I'd probably be dead.  I would NEVER have the opportunities I have right now, nor would I have met any of the incredible people that I now have in my life.

And I've come to terms with the fact that Tammy was simply a womb donor.  He will judge her one day for her actions, so for now, I don't have to forget about what she did or forgive her, but I can let go of the frustration and anger.  Sometimes the things she does makes it hard to not get frustrated, but I don't have to anymore.

So on that note:

I want to sincerely thank the people that have made my life possible.  I have messed up quite a few times, but so have they.  Are failures have made us stronger, and brought us closer and I know I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for them. <3

Life is a two-way street... Are you giving what you want to get?

First and foremost: 

Merry Christmas!

Now, onto the rant of the day.  I feel that life really is a two-way street, and if you aren't giving you don't deserve to receive.  This all stemmed from not only one, but multiple messages my mom received recently.  They were from a friend asking my mom to send some of our Christmas dinner home with her roommate.  Not only that, but also any "goodies" we have left over. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but we have already given them one tray of "goodies" that we made especially for them and that wasn't even a week ago.

But it's the latest message that has really gotten to me...

"Only you have enough to feed your family..."

I have a heart, don't get me wrong, but these are two people that receive state aid, yet they can't feed themselves?  I feel as if these people think that my parents owe them something... Maybe it's because their family, but it surely isn't because they have done SOOOO much for my parents, because believe me... they haven't.

And in all honesty, my parents owe them NOTHING!

Now, this is Christmas and we will send food home, IF there is any left over, but it's just not something I can comprehend that easily.  She's going to be with her family, yet OUR family has to feed her? She owes my mom money, yet we have to give her food? I just don't get it.

I love her to death...

but she needs to quit relying on people so much.

I keep asking God to help me with these feelings, but all I keep getting in return from Him is the message that He's showing me how NOT to act when I grow up...

So Thank you Lord, for giving me one more life lesson to live by.

<3

Again,

Merry Christmas.

"The only way to get on your feet, is to get off your ass."

Meaning: Be assertive, you have to make it happen.

So as many of you already know, at the beginning of summer I started Weight Watchers with my mom.  I did really good all summer long, loosing weight every week and being more active.  Then school started...

When school started I started eating in the cafeteria, being more sedentary because I was studying a lot and reading, and quit tracking all my food.
   -tracking: On Weight Watchers I can eat whatever I want, but each portion size of each different food has a point value.  I'm allowed so many points a day, and a certain amount of extra points a week.
Not tracking turned out to be worse for me than I thought. I would over eat at every meal that I went to in the cafe, and every time I did it was on food that would not benefit me in any way! Over the first two weeks of school I gained six pounds back of the weight that I had worked so hard to get off.  I got back on track and lately have been loosing, I've lost about 3 of the six pounds I gained, and I'm praying it will only go down from there... But...





I realize that the only way I'm going to continue to lose weight is if I work out, and eat healthy.  


The eating healthy part is easy for me. I love vegetables and fruits (which are zero point foods, and keep me fuller, longer), and now that I've started drinking Mio, I can drink a lot more water.

The working out part though... it's not that it's hard, or that I don't want to.. because I do! I really want to be the healthiest I can be.. but I feel very self conscience in the gym working out.  A lot of the people there are muscular and fit, and everything I want to be... but I feel like I'll never be that.  Sometimes I feel like these people laugh at me when I'm there, and it's something I need to get over...


Anyways, what this is boiling down to....

I want to thank all those people that have been here for me through this crazy endeavor.  It's been a series of ups and downs, but the motivation and encouragement I have received from a variety of people has really kept me going.  The compliments help, the fact that clothes have stated fitting better helps, but its all of my friends that make me realize I really can do this for myself! Thank you everyone. <3

"The more you stir the old turd, the more it stinks."

Meaning: The more you gossip and fight, the worse the outcome gets.

Every family has drama and bullshit that they must endure, but this little incident between my mother and her sister (C) has gotten completely out of hand.  It went from a little spat between the two of them, to a FULL OUT WAR in a matter of minutes.

Here's what happened:
My mom's brother (S) had to have surgery on his colon on 9/31/12.  My mother tried for 3 days to get C to come to our house, because she was going to ride with us to the hospital (saying it was an hour and a half away).  C never came to our house, and then the day before the surgery told my mom she was no longer coming out because "she had other plans with her family."  Then, after my mom asked one last time if she was coming out C went off and snapped, "I'm just having _____ bring me up." 

My mom had called S earlier in the day, after being blown off, and he had gotten upset.  His nurses didn't want him to talk to anyone for a while after that because they wanted him to rest, so my mom got the blame for that.

After finally getting off the phone (and I'll admit my mom blew up, in a way she shouldn't have) C started texting my mother.  Only, it wasn't C texting her, it was C's children.  They were very rude, and said things that didn't need to be said.  My mother was very hurt, but her, my cousin, and I all went to the hospital to see S and had a great time regardless.

But then tonight I noticed a card sitting on the end table in our living room, and of course it's addressed to my mom.  It's from her sister (R).  And what's in it? A letter, in a way, telling my mom had to live her life... all because of this spat turned war. I know you're probably thinking, "Well aren't you doing the same thing you're complaining about? Just continuing the war?" And I can honestly say that yes, I am... but this letter is where I come into the mix.  I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with this fight, and yet my name got brought into the mess.

I quote:
"I have heard you so many, many times, 'I have to do this. I am the caregiver.' You are not. Kathy, C, S, Me, L, Aunisty, and Tammy are adults. You are NOT responsible for our actions and mistakes... YOU need to stop trying to 'mother' everyone."

Now, let me just say.. though R has a point and my mother does need to quit "mothering" C, S, and herself... I AM HER DAUGHTER. And though she doesn't need to take responsibility for my actions or my mistakes (I'm perfectly capable of handling them on my own), she SHOULD be there for me in my times of need.  That's what mother's do right? 

The letter further says:
"If they call you with their needs and problems set up boundaries."

There shouldn't be boundaries on what I can and cannot tell my mother, especially when it comes to my needs and problems. And then... this is where it gets REALLY GOOD! She goes on to tell my mother how she needs to "surrender her life to God."  I know R is only trying to look out for my mother, but my mother's relationship with God is her business... and HER BUSINESS alone! It has NOTHING to do with ANYONE in the family, other than HER!

"Les cannot save you, Aunisty cannot save you, Tammy cannot save you, your sister's and brother's cannot save you..."

No one said we were trying to save her, nor did she come to us to be saved so I don't know why this even got brought up!

"You have told me so many times that you believe.  Yet, my heart senses you do not have a personal, life relationship with God... When we (and we are all sinner's) accept that God will change our life.  He will make it complete.  I urge you to repent and ask god to save you.  Give him all your heartache and anger and let him carry you.  Talk to God and then begin to do these things. 1. Pray daily and 2. Read the Bible daily.  Fill your heart and mind with his Word. 3. Find a good Bible preaching church and go.  You need to be fed and nurtured and you will get that at church."

How my mother chooses to worship her beliefs, again.. is up to her and her alone! No one has the right to tell her how to follow her beliefs, or how to live her life! This is one thing I CANNOT stand. I HATE when people try to push their beliefs on other people.  They  put all of the other followers of those beliefs in a bad light, being pushy and arrogant.  

In the end of this letter she brings up how she wants everything to be relieved quickly because of my mother having Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  She also lists this as a reason my mother should find Jesus, but again.. that's her decision.  I really think, that if R wanted things to be revolved quickly she simply would have said "This is between you and C (or vice versa when C called)." And then R would have let it go at that, there would have been no letter sent or any reason to talk to any of the other siblings.  

This whole line of bullshit is really perturbing me tonight and I wanted to get things off my chest so I leave you with this:

"The more you stir the old turd, the more it stinks."

And BTW: my mother has no idea that this is being sent, so if you are part of the family and have something to say... bring it up to ME!